Final Fix: “This is actually better”

By Eamon Ryan

In South Africa, there is a category of contractor so confident it borders on inspirational. They arrive not with credentials, but with a bakkie, a ladder, and a phrase that explains everything: “This is actually better.”

Supplied by Dave Merrington

Koos and Ricky rolled up to the government office at 09:12, even though the appointment was at 11:00 and only for a quote.

“Early is professional,” Koos said, already unloading the ladder.

“We’ll just look,” Ricky told the facilities manager, placing the ladder against the wall with ceremonial care. “No work.”

Ten minutes later, Ricky was chiselling masonry. The unit in question – a ceiling cassette, dignified and square – was introduced to its new life inside a wall.

“Shouldn’t that be in the ceiling?” asked the manager.

Koos nodded earnestly. “Ja. Normally. But this is actually better.”

Cement was applied generously, mostly to areas that didn’t need it. The edges were… interpretive. Electrical cabling dangled freely, breathing in the open air.

“Is that safe?” the manager asked.

Ricky waved him off. “Electricity likes space. This is actually better.”

At this point, the manager attempted authority. “I haven’t approved anything.”

Koos grinned conspiratorially and opened the bakkie. Inside: a bottle of whiskey, catching the sunlight like a peace offering.

“We’re reasonable people. No need for stress,” Koos said.

Ricky leaned in. “Also, we have tickets. Tonight. Very lively show. Not government-approved.”

The manager hesitated. The masonry crumbled slightly. By lunchtime, the unit was cemented in – crooked, proud and unquestionably present.

Koos stepped back. “Look at that. Solid.”

“It’s leaning,” the manager complained.

“Gravity assist,” Ricky replied. “This is actually better.”

They switched it on. The AC rattled to life, vibrating the wall and releasing a gentle drizzle.

“It’s leaking.”

Koos nodded. “Condensation. Means it’s cooling fast. This is actually better.”

An invoice appeared, handwritten, unstoppable.

“But I never accepted the quote,” the manager protested.

Ricky looked shocked and slightly belligerent. “But it’s finished.”

Silence fell – the silence of inevitability, with glances at the whiskey and tickets. The payment was made.

As they packed up, Koos proudly took photos from strategic angles. Ricky wiped cement from his hands and face onto his jeans.

“Another clean job,” Koos pronounced.

“What about that loose wiring?” the manager desperately asked one last time.

Ricky smirked kindly. “Done for easier access for maintenance. This is actually better.”

They drove off, ladder rattling, bakkie fading into the distance. Behind them, the AC hummed bravely from the wall, daring anyone to question it. The facilities watched on mystified as to how this had happened. And somewhere, another government office asked for a quote.

Koos already knew what he’d say.

“This is actually better.”